I Am a Spring Flower

I just realized how much I've changed in the past two to three months. I'm essentially the same person, but I'm way different. A couple months ago, the very idea of love made me want to gag. Now I'm consumed by it. A couple months ago, I was agreeable just for the sake of keeping the peace. Recently I say whatever's on my mind. And although I know that basically every adult in my life would probably disagree with this statement, I'm way happier than I was three months ago. I mean, yes, there's my newfound thoughts of suicide and my random fits and my renewed bloodlust, but those are all conditional things. Before I was just depressed and lonely basically every second of every day and there was nothing I could do to change that. My life was cloudy, now it's sunny with a chance of light showers. No longer do I dwell in a spirit of depression, I'm just depressed. It's no longer something that defines me, but a state that I slip into at the hands of others. I don't know if this is a medically correct term, but I call it conditional depression. It depends on the actions of others that affect me.

More and more I am learning ways to get rid of my depressin. I've realized that it's something that I can change, not something that should change me. I refuse to sit around and wallow... If I am depressed, there has to be something out there that will change my mood. Whether it be music, my boyfriend, cutting, soccer, or exercise, I am trying to find things that make me happy. Even if the happiness is momentary, I'd rather be happy for a couple minutes than to be depressed all 1440 minutes of the day. I refuse to believe that anyone can be happy all the time, but I also refuse to be depressed all the time.