I Want My Fairytale Ending

So although I do not usually agree with my doctor, I suppose she's right when she says I have problems. But while I acknowledge my problems, I also acknowledge the fault of others. There was a point when I thought that I was the worst person God ever put on the face of the earth. After much self-assessment, I have decided that there are much worse people out there. I mean, a clinically depressed cutter who gets in trouble for kissing in school is not so bad when lined up with a homicidal maniac or a serial rapist. But everyone looks at me like I'm crazy because instead of inflicting pain on other's, I prefer to keep it to myself. And it's not that I'm more screwed up than the typical teenager, I just happen to like the color red. It's not like I'm  a loner, I just prefer not to have other people's thoughts filling the air around me. It's not like i'm trying to be an absolute brat, I'm just tired of obeying rules that make me miserable.


Appearently I'm not supposed to believe it when a 17 year old guy tells me that he loves me and he wants to marry me and have kids with me and live happily ever after. I'm supposed to be the level-headed one. I'm not supposed to believe in fairytales. Maybe when I get older I'll succumb to the cynicallity that seems to come with age. But for now, I would much rather possess the fickle, flighty, easy to love spirit of youth. I want to feel free to love and be loved. I absoulutely love the way my heart flutters when I behold the face of my beloved love. And if he's lying about loving me, God forbidding, I'd much rather believe the lie that brings me joy and deal with the consequences later. And, I might add, I love my boyfriend with everything in me. I believe him and I will until the day I die. Anyone who has a problem with that should back the f*&k off of my fairytale!

What My Doctor Calls a Case of the "Fuck-Its"

So i have a serious case of the eff-its... I don't care anymore really. There are times when I scream and kick and cry, and then there are times when I really just don't give a rat's rear. Like right now i am tired, stressed out and irritated. I've screamed so much that my throat aches, and my tears no longer fall because I'm all cried out. Here I sit with no way to show my emotion. No way other than to sit. And be. Breathe. Blink. Swallow. Repeat. The brain that God gave me is no longer equipped to handle very serious affairs. I go hysterical at first ear of bad news... I laugh. I laugh because I wish that I could cry. I find myself drawn to sharp objects, seeking relief of any kind. Just wanting to feel anything. So the pain is welcome. Actually the physical pain does not hurt anymore. It tickles. And I laugh. Or sometimes it stings. I flinch. And when the red emerges, I am all smiles. Red happend to be my second favorite color.

But let me brighten things up a bit. I'm not always this way. There are times (very short periods of time) when I am unbelievably happy. I have amazing friends and an amazing boyfriend. And although I would love to say that my family is fraught with assholes, they can be pretty damned lovely at times, too. You just have to get them on a good day.

So this was on Sunday... You know--the one that just passed. So this is my sister, a friends little boy, and me. Isn't he such a cutie? He absolutely refused to give me kiss just because I got a hair cut! But he's a little genius... I love him. He's my little Brandon-Boo! Um in case you don't me, I'm the puckering fool on the left. My evil big sister (God i love her) is the one on the right. It was the most beautiful day outside. The best this year! So spring is here... Hopefully it does a bit to cheer me up, eh!

Rule #2... Attend Choich

It's 10:14 on a sunday morning. The sun is bright outside my window; I can hear the birds chirping. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... My house is quiet, its only live companion being myself. Everyone else in my family woke up early, got ready, etc. I on the other hand rolled out of bed, brushed my teeth, turned on my netbook and my cell phone, and then climbed back into bed to write to you, my precious blog. I see nothing wrong with that. My family does.

I'll not try to seem like I like going to church at all... ever... The only reason I go to church is to see friends. It's not that God isn't cool, but I just don't like being at church. I get nothing out of sitting and listening to people talk for an hour and a half. It's not like I actually listen when I go so why should I go?

The answer my family has given me: "Because it's the right thing to do." Right for who? Not me. And if I'm going to church just for the hell of it, what purpose is that truly solving? None at all.

Sorry for this... I felt the need to vent.

Suicide

So about once a week I have serious thoughts of suicide. Like really really serious thoughts of suicide. Here's the irony of this fact: I was once in a chatroom and a girl that was about to kill herself came in... This girl was part of a group of us who were frequent to said chatroom. Everyone loved her. This girl was your classic sweetheart. Anyway, she came into the chatroom to say that she loved us and needed to say bye to us all. She kept stressing that she loved us dearly, she was sorry to be hurting us, she could no longer live, however, it was her time. She said this over and over again. And I remember thinking to myself, "If she loved us, she would not be doing this." Now I realize how beautifully naive I was back then. I now know that every day that God gives me breath, I am doomed to feel the same torment she felt before she took her life. The agony over how the loss of your life will affect others. But unlike my friend whom I loved dearly, I'd rather live in constant emotional torment than pass that torment on to those I leave behind. For now. I feel that way for now. Sometimes it changes. And when it does, the world shifts and death is no longer feared, but an event, a coming of age if you will, to be looked forward to. I pray to God that the next time I think of suicide, I'll think of the ones I'll leave to grieve me, and decide it's not worth it.

I Miss Him

Just about three weeks ago, my boyfriend got expelled from school and I thought I was going to die. Three weeks later, I'm still going crazy without him. I imagine him leaning against my locker all the time, only to reach out to touch him, and feel nothing but the unfriendly metal of my locker door. I hear his voice whisper to me, sweet nothings that give me chill after blissful chill. I feel his arm curl around my waist, but when i turn to greet him with a kiss, he is not there. Being without him is something I can no longer take, but will have to endure for the rest of the school year.

Hi =)

Hello and welcome to my blog. Allow me to introduce myself. As far as it concerns you, reader, my name is Amver Kewl. It sounds lame, I know, but I happen to like it. Amver Kewl has a sorta ring to it. And it's much cooler than my real name.

My decision to start this blog was about as random as all my other decisions. I was browsing youtube and then all of a sudden it hit me. Less than 1% of the world will ever know my name, will ever care that I exist, will ever hear my voice. Less than one 1% of the world would bat an eyelash if i ceased to exist. I am truly just a little girl in a big scary mansion. What I know seems like much, until i step into another room. That is when I realize how insignificant I truly am. And well writing to myself (because I'm sure no one reads this) makes me feel a tad bit more important.

I've been told that I'm a pretty good writer. I know of myself that I'm an AMAZING writer when there is a purpose to my writing. Other than that I just tend to ramble. And don't we all hate writing that rambles?... I can't promise that mine won't, but I hope that overtime, as I get more used to bloggong, my writing might evolve into something actually worth reading.

What will you read in this blog?

Well reader, you will read whatever I feel like writing. Some days my writing will be like journaling, other days I may go on and on about one specific thing that I decided to obsess over. I do that a lot. I love researching things. Gaining knowledge outside of textbooks is what I consider actual learning. And good Lord do I love to learn! There are many things that I don't know. And even though I don't know them, I do know that I want to know them and the pursuit of this knowledge is what keeps me from going crazy. I want to know everything there is to know. About the world. About people. Especially about myself. And I'm glad you've decided to join me in my quest. Enjoy!