When I Grow Up

Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do, it will never be good enough. It's as if though I try with all that's in me, in the end, i will come up short. You know that saying that's like "you can please some of the people all the time and you can please all of the people sometimes, but you can't please all of the people all the time."? Well that's basically how I feel. No matter what happens, someone out there will always be waiting for my flaws to appear.

Anyways, I promised myseld that I would write to you more often, but life's been extremely hectic. Between soccer, facebook, my boyfriend, and school I have less than no time for you. We've been having back to back games, and I'm always so tired when I get home that all I have time to do is stuff that requires no thinking at all. You, my precious blog, require thought.

So my mother is here in Baltimore. She's vistiting for a bit over a week. She came last thursday; she'll be gone on sunday. There's something about my mum that simply makes me tic. It's in the way she walks, the sound of her voice, the way she pics at almost every little thing that I do. She absolutely refuses to let me be. She lectures. Stiffles. Once in the house, she seems to be omni-present. I literally cannot breathe when she gets too close to me. It's extremely stressful.

And A Week Later I'm Still Here

Hey lovies! So I realize that I've sorta been neglecting you, but hey! I had quite a bit going on. It's hard to balance everything when the tripple s attack matters most. Sander. School. Soccer. So yah I've recently decided that since it's the last quarter, I'm actually going to try in school. So no more Cs... I'm way too smart for that shit. I guess I suddenly realized that mediocrity is just one more thing that depresses me. If I can have an A in all my other classes, why can't I have one in Algebra 1? There's no reason why I can't. This quarter, my aim is at least a B+. And I know I can do it if I try. If I do my homework... So far I've been getting everything in on time so YAY ME!!!

And now for the part of this post where I get all deep:

I have no patience for people anymore. They're time consuming. Energy suckers. All they do is take. Take take take. Draw. Extract. All my emotion and all of my feelings, until all I am is the one thing I never wanted to be: me. They mess around and poke and analyze my head, my brain, and by the time they are done I have no energy to hide from them. Nor do I have the energy to hide from what scares me the most. I scare me. The power I have over myself has to be the most dangerous on this earth. Because I have the power to take myself to heights that no one else has ever imagined. I also hold the power to take myself to depths that compete with the ocean floor. I have created my own heaven. I have thought up my personal hell. I have gained the knowledge that will eventually cause my demise. What pleasures me now will later be used for my torment. All I can do now is sit and wait.

Today Was A Birthday

I woke up this morning, and did the usual Sunday morning crap: I woke up, got ready, and then went to church. And at church I got to sit with my awesomesauce boyfriend! It was absolutely amazing! Not as good as sucking face, but at least I got to see him, right?! It's like every time I see him, my heart skips a beat and I'm reminded of all the reasons I love him. I thought I'd been in love before but now I don't think so. Because it was nothing like this. It wasn't this intense need to be with this one person. Now I realize that it wasn't love. This... This is love. He's my first love. And I know he'll be my last love. Sometimes I just stop what I'm doing to think about how much I love him. Like OHMAGAWD I LOVE this guy!!! I know it seems premature but all I want to do is be with him for the rest of my life!



So anyway, needless to say, I thought my birthday was totally going to suck. Like except for when I'm talking to my boyfriend, I've been wicked depressed lately, and I don't really care about being 15, but today was legit fun. Maybe fun isn't the right word, but it sure as hell wasn't miserable. I think I'm finally realizing that there can be some in between. Like maybe I'm not happy, but that doesn't mean I have o be sad. I think today I was just thankful that I wasn't totally depressed and that brightened my mood a little bit. And I must say that I LOVE my presents. Every single one. And I love all my awesomesauce friends who made today so awesomesauce!

I love how it's my 15th birthday and I look about 13 in this picture! :(

It's a New Day

Today was Easter! Yay! Although I didn't want to, because I hate going to church on sunday mornings, I went to church this morning. And it was pretty okay. I mean, granted I didn't listen and I was texting my boyfriend the whole time and I 'went to the bathroom' during communion, but hey! At least I was there. Even though I was super sad that my lovely boyfriend wasn't there, I got to see my boys (Myles, Bran, and Dill). They were so freakin cute in their matching outfits. All I could think about when I saw them was how I'm gonna buy my kids the cutest clothes when I get older! And how on holidays my hubby, my kids, and I are all going to be matching! I know I'm crazy for prematurely planning all of this, but, dude! That's what I do! I love dressing up and I love dressing other people. Here's me posing in what I wore to church today:

Besides dressing people, I love taking care of people... Kids mostly. I have a serious case of what's some people refer to as the 'mommy-syndrome'. Sometimes, most of the time, it's a bad thing. I don't like constantly having to monitor things that people do, but I like taking care of people because it makes me feel important! That's probably the reason I love Noobzstergail so much!


Onto the down side of easter... I ate so mother-chuckin much today. I ate a disgustingly large amount of the best Trinidadian roti in the world! It was sooooo good and I had this huge plate of it. For those of you that have never had roti, it's basically curried chicken, chick peas, potatoes, and chipati (this Indian bread-ish thing that is soooo freaking amazing). And in the tastiness of this delicious dish lies my problem. Another bit of information for people who don't know: I sorta have a problem with food. No I'm not anorxic. No I don't have an eating disorder... I just don't like feeling full. The one feeling that Americans have grown to love, repulses me. Funny thing is, I love making food, and I love how food tastes; I just don't like how it feels.


So after my roti-feast, I went a step further and had a gigantic slice of the richest gourmet chocolate cake in the world! My grandfather (whom I love) bought it from Wegmans, knowing full well that I would absolutely die after one mouthwatering bite. Yes, readers, he did it on purpose. He knows my beef with food. But the cake was so damned good that I shall forgive him. I'll just have to do a helluva lot of exercising tonight because I can still feel it in my tummy. I want it gone.


So despite the fact that I totally pigged-out, today was a good day. It was absolutely lovely outside and that definately helped my mood a bit. And although there was a foggy haze sheathing my whole day because I didn't get to see the love my life, I got to talk to him. Sleep well, Noobzstergail. I won't be killing myself anytime soon if life continues to go the way it's going.

I Am a Spring Flower

I just realized how much I've changed in the past two to three months. I'm essentially the same person, but I'm way different. A couple months ago, the very idea of love made me want to gag. Now I'm consumed by it. A couple months ago, I was agreeable just for the sake of keeping the peace. Recently I say whatever's on my mind. And although I know that basically every adult in my life would probably disagree with this statement, I'm way happier than I was three months ago. I mean, yes, there's my newfound thoughts of suicide and my random fits and my renewed bloodlust, but those are all conditional things. Before I was just depressed and lonely basically every second of every day and there was nothing I could do to change that. My life was cloudy, now it's sunny with a chance of light showers. No longer do I dwell in a spirit of depression, I'm just depressed. It's no longer something that defines me, but a state that I slip into at the hands of others. I don't know if this is a medically correct term, but I call it conditional depression. It depends on the actions of others that affect me.

More and more I am learning ways to get rid of my depressin. I've realized that it's something that I can change, not something that should change me. I refuse to sit around and wallow... If I am depressed, there has to be something out there that will change my mood. Whether it be music, my boyfriend, cutting, soccer, or exercise, I am trying to find things that make me happy. Even if the happiness is momentary, I'd rather be happy for a couple minutes than to be depressed all 1440 minutes of the day. I refuse to believe that anyone can be happy all the time, but I also refuse to be depressed all the time.