Suicide

So about once a week I have serious thoughts of suicide. Like really really serious thoughts of suicide. Here's the irony of this fact: I was once in a chatroom and a girl that was about to kill herself came in... This girl was part of a group of us who were frequent to said chatroom. Everyone loved her. This girl was your classic sweetheart. Anyway, she came into the chatroom to say that she loved us and needed to say bye to us all. She kept stressing that she loved us dearly, she was sorry to be hurting us, she could no longer live, however, it was her time. She said this over and over again. And I remember thinking to myself, "If she loved us, she would not be doing this." Now I realize how beautifully naive I was back then. I now know that every day that God gives me breath, I am doomed to feel the same torment she felt before she took her life. The agony over how the loss of your life will affect others. But unlike my friend whom I loved dearly, I'd rather live in constant emotional torment than pass that torment on to those I leave behind. For now. I feel that way for now. Sometimes it changes. And when it does, the world shifts and death is no longer feared, but an event, a coming of age if you will, to be looked forward to. I pray to God that the next time I think of suicide, I'll think of the ones I'll leave to grieve me, and decide it's not worth it.