Sexting

Sexting is an extremely uncomfortable subject. That's why I'm writing about it. At the end of last summer/the beggining of fall I had a huge crush on this guy. Let's just call him E. I know some people think that race does matter when it comes to the whole 'I like you, you like me' thing. I'm all for interracial relationships (I'm in one now), but not all of them are the same. Needless to say, I'm black and E was white. It all started one day in church when I got this mysterious message from a very mysterious sender. When I found out that the sender was E, I was like what the freaking hell?! Mind you, I'd been in a class with this guy for 2 years. Between all the racial remarks he made and the way he always seemed to find something to tease me about, I thought I was just about the last person he'd ever be interested. I was somewhat right.

E texted me almost religiously. At first I was excited. I'd always thought that he was cute. But little by little I started seeing things that just didn't add up. He would text me 24/7 and even call me on a good day, but he NEVER talked to me in public... At least not around his friends. He'd sneak me these really suggestive looks when people weren't looking but other than that, he would completely ignore me. Naturally I chalked it up to the fact that we traveled in vastly different circles. I don't remember exactly when it first started, but one day he asked me for a picture of myself. The first few times he asked for pictures of me with my bra and panties on but after a while he wanted more and more skin. I was naive and I thought he was the most amazing guy in the world. I always complied.

Sending E those pictures always gave me a sense of power... Until a couple minutes after I sent them. Most nights I cried myself to sleep. I felt worthless and dirty. Mostly worthless because no matter what I did, no matter how much I winked at him, no matter how sexy the picture was, E still refused to talk to me in front of his friends. I think I always knew that E was just using me. I just didn;t want to believe it. And when I finally came to terms with the fact that he didn't want a relationship, I figured, 'Well at least he thinks I'm hot!' I could never, however, escape the feeling of paranoia that came over me whenever a guy at school or church looked at me. I'd immediately start worrying. I never knew for sure if E actually did keep those pictures to himself.

Now I see it as a learning experience. It's definitely something that has made me stronger. I no longer swoon at every guy that smiles at me. And if it ever happened again, I would probably kick E, or any jerk for thatmatter, in the balls and pray to God that the bastard would die! That's why I value my boyfriend so much. He's not at all pushy. He understands that no means no. Hell! He doesn't even bother to ask stupid things!